the immortal universe, part I of III

Sep. 22nd, 2017 12:00 am
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September 22nd, 2017next

September 22nd, 2017: Today and this weekend I am at HAL CON in Halifax!! It's gonna be awesome. Will I see you there? The answer: HOPEFULLY YES

Also, it's the first day of fall! You know what that means: scroll waaaaay down and you'll get the special fall footer, assuming you're not on mobile! If you ARE on mobile, you don't get the footer, but you do get to save a few kilobytes of data. YOU'RE WELCOME.

– Ryan

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Posted by Gail Carriger

Good morning, Gentle Reader!

Today I thought it might be fun for you to see the range of cover art that my book Blameless got over the course of time and space and 7 years in publication.

Here we go…


First off is the original mass market paperback as produced September 19, 2010. Next to it I have the Brazilian version so you can see how a foreign publisher might tweak the cover for their market.


Here on left is the Japanese translation version, this is the smallest of my books. It’s about the size of a 3X5 card. Next to it is the manga adaptation of Blameless, called Soulless Vol. 3.


Here are the two German versions. The first was a limited run collectible hardcover, the second is the original paperback translation.

Aside from Germany (and the pocket edition in France) and Japan, every other foreign publisher chose to do a take on the original cover image for their translations. This is pretty unusual and rather flattering.

The first three audiobooks were produced by Recorded Books (not Hachette Audio) so they got different covers too.

There it is. What do you think of the different covers? Anything surprise you? Any one you really love?

 Praise for Blameless

  • Cassandra Giovanni says: “Carriger once again has woven a story with non-stop action, her signature dry humor and a touch of romance, all perfectly balanced.”
  • Once Upon a Chapter says: “I really enjoyed the change in scenery since Alexia’s adventures took her all over the place this time and it added in new characters.”
  • My Thoughts… Literally says: “Another fantastic book in the Parasol Protectorate series. They are so fun and the perfect combination of action, adventure, mystery, and silliness.”
  • Delighted Readers says: “I went into this one wrongly assuming there would be a vast degree of angst when to my pleasure, the focus remained on intrigue, adventures, colorful characters, witty dialogue and fascinating steampunk gadgetry not in the usual way.”
 {Coop de Book: Gail’s monthly read along for September is The Forgotten Beasts of Eld by Patricia McKillip.}


  • Meat Cute ~ A Parasolverse Short
    Status: Rough draft complete. Layaway.
    Possible anchor short story for Secret Project A or SS collected/omnibus in 2018 or 2019.
  • TOC ~ San Andreas Shifters #2
    Status: Writing Rough draft.
    The werewolves are back. There’s a bartender with a mysterious ability and a big scruffy man mountain with a powerful crush. The pack’s started a business called Heavy Lifting. Gail is contemplating shifter food trucks ~ Do it raw! Sometimes we wiggle, sometimes the food does.


The Sumage Solution: San Andreas Shifters #1 by G. L. Carriger, now in all editions.
Contemporary m/m paranormal romance featuring a snarky mage and a gruff werewolf. Hella raunchy. Super dirty. Very very fun. Spin off of Marine Biology.

Can a gentle werewolf heal the heart of a smart-mouthed mage?


Your Moment of Parasol . . .

1901 President McKinley’s first stop on the Mexican border – at Del Rio, Texas., 1901 Southern Methodist University, Central University Libraries, DeGolyer Library (Source- notinthehistorybooks)

Your Infusion of Cute . . .

Painting by Helleu, reminded me of Alexia

Your Tisane of Smart . . .

Things You Should Know Podcast: Is the Uncanny Valley Real?

Your Writerly Tinctures . . .  

PRO’s and CON’s of Fighting Book Piracy

Book News:

Rally the Readers says of Romancing the Inventor:

“I can’t emphasize enough that you can pick up this novella and enjoy it whether you’re completely new to the world or have read any number of other works set in it. If you loved the original Parasol Protectorate series like I did and always wondered what happened to Madame Lefoux, then definitely read Romancing the Inventor to find out; you won’t be disappointed!”

Quote of the Day:

 “I was born with a reading list I will never finish.”

~ Maud Casey

Questions about Gail’s Parasolverse? There’s a wiki for that!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Romancing the Inventor by Gail Carriger

Romancing the Inventor

by Gail Carriger

Giveaway ends September 24, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

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The Backstagers written by: James Tynion IV, art by: Rian Sygh

When Jory transfers to an all-boys private high school, he's taken in by the only ones who don't treat him like a new kid, the lowly stage crew known as the Backstagers. Not only does he gain great, lifetime friends, Jory is also introduced to an entire magical world that lives beyond the curtain. With the unpredictable twists and turns of the underground world, the Backstagers venture into the unknown, determined to put together the best play their high school has ever seen.
Midway through this comic, one of the characters is revealed to be a transgender boy. Thanks to Brigid Alverson's and their Just Another Day in an LGBTQ Comic article in School Library Journal for the heads-up on this one.

Add your review of "The Backstagers" in comments!

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September 20th, 2017next

September 20th, 2017: This weekend I am at HAL CON in Halifax!! It's gonna be awesome. Will I see you there? The answer: HOPEFULLY YES

– Ryan

Hallo, Hal-Con!

Sep. 17th, 2017 05:01 am
[syndicated profile] dorktower_feed

Posted by John Kovalic

Hi, gang!

While I’m recovering from Insane Bike Ride 2017 (Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.), I should probably let you know I’ll be at Hal-Con, in Halifax, Nova Scotia, this weekend. The gust list is pretty awesome – come check it out!

Friday, Sept. 22

  • 6:00pm – 7:00pm ~ Sketch Battle (Coca-Cola Stage)

Saturday, Sept. 23

  • 12:00pm – 12:45pm ~ Dork Tower and Munckin – A +10 Life in Gaming (Room 301)
  • 1 pm – 2 pm Signing, Booth A2
  • 7:00PM – 9:00pm ~ Stargazer Soiree in Delta Halifax

Sunday, Sept. 24

  • 12:45pm – 1:30pm ~ Creating Fun: Game Creation From Script to Sale (Room 302-3)
  • 1:45 – 2:45 Signing, Booth A2

Hal-Con very generously gave me a table (a2 – about as appropriate for a British-born cartoonist as you could imagine), but I won’t be bringing anything to sell. I’ll post additional times there, though, if you’d like to bring anything along to get signed. Saturday and Sunday I’ll try and be there as soon as the doors open.

Judith and I adore Canada, and it will be great to be back!

Insane Charity Bike Ride 2017 was magnificent. A record-breaker, even! Thank you all!

I’ll try and post a full report soon, but here’s how I spent my Sunday night:


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Posted by Gail Carriger

My darling, Gentle Reader, I am WILDLY delighted to welcome Patricia McKillip to tea at my blog today. Patricia is one of my author heros, I have loved her work for as long as I can remember and she is still one of my idols.

I was honored to be asked to write the foreword for the latest release of The Forgotten Beast of Eld, one of my favorite books of all time. (And it’s first time in ebook form!) And because I am an uppity bit of baggage, I asked her to drop by here for a little interview.

Please join me in a very warm welcome to the marvelous Patricia A. McKillip!

About You, the Author!

Tea or coffee and how do you take it?

Coffee: black, preferably French Roast, and as soon as possible after my eyes open.

Describe your personal style for author appearances.

High heels and a mustache. Just kidding. Mostly boringly tidy.

If I were to observe the writer beast in its native environment, what surprising thing might I see? What does the environment look like?

You might see about one foot by three feet of empty Formica table space on which I write. The rest of the room is full of “stuff”: knickknacks, thingamabobs, little things given to me over the years, awards, books, CDs, candles, a glass octopus that I call Jeeves or Mrs. Darcy, depending, small vases, windup toys, a wooden backscratcher, this’s-and-that’s on the walls, including a Green Man face from Bath, artwork by one of my sisters, and magic wands made by another sister for her dance class. Possibly the most surprising things would be the college-ruled binder paper and gel pens that I write my first drafts—oh, heck, all my drafts—with.

If you drive, what do you drive?

I drive a 1999 red Chevy Metro with a stick shift.

Vanilla or chocolate ice cream on a plain or a sugar cone?

Chocolate in a plain cone.

(Gail pronounced Ms McKillip perfectly sane.)

What’s most likely to make you laugh?

Old M*A*S*H episodes. P. G. Wodehouse. My husband’s eyebrows, upon which owls could roost, when he waggles them at me.

Since writers inevitably end up in the bar, what’s your poison?

Since I’m ancient and try to stay out of trouble, a nice cold glass (or two) of Chardonnay.

I believe this might be the original cover.

About Patricia McKillip

Patricia Anne McKillip was born in Salem, Oregon (USA) on February 29, 1948 – a leap year baby! She started writing at 14, and according to the notes in the Riddlemaster trilogy,

“she has been writing ever since – except for a brief detour when she thought she would be a concert pianist.”

The House on Parchment Street has a neat quote about how she started writing,

“In a fit of boredom one day when she was fourteen, she sat down in front of a window overlooking a stately medieval church and its graveyard and produced a thirty-page fairy tale.”

She went to the College of Notre Dame, Belmont, and San Jose University where she earned a BA in English. She then went on for a MA at the San Jose State University. McKillip then moved to San Francisco, then to the Catskill Mountains in NY, then Roxbury, NY and now lives in Oregon.

She won the World Fantasy Award in 1975 for The Forgotten Beast of Eld, the Locus Award in 1980 for Harpist in the Wind (Riddlemaster Bk 3), and the Balrog award in 1985 in the short fiction category for “A Troll and Two Roses”.

About your book (The Forgotten Beasts of Eld)!

What should readers eat while consuming your novel?

Dunno. There’s not much food in the book, except for basic stuff like mushroom stew.

What form does evil take within its pages?

The most complex evil is in my heroine herself, who makes some bad decisions because she is angered and hurt by other people’s evil toward her.

The mass market edition Gail owned as a child.

Which one of your characters would you most want to kiss and why?

Certainly not my hero — I’m old enough to be his grandmother. But I wouldn’t mind kissing the baby, Tam. I grew up with younger siblings; by the time I was seven, I knew how to fold a cloth diaper. I’ve always loved babies.

What’s your favorite period in history, and does it influence your world building?

I’ve researched various bits of history: the pre-Raphaelites (“The Gorgon in the Cupboard”), Edith Wharton’s and Henry James’s time (“Edith and Henry Go Motoring”), plumbing in late medieval times (“Knight of the Well”); my latest research has been about Thomas Malory and the Grail legends (Kingfisher). I like doing research and most often do way more than I have to, because it’s easier and more fun than writing the tale.

One of the most accurate covers. (Possibly influenced by the Pern books?)

Which one of your characters would you most like to slap and why?

My heroine, sometimes, for talking too much. Me, sometimes, for writing seemingly endless descriptions.

Without spoilers, what’s the funnest (or funniest) part of the book?

I don’t think there’s much humor in The Forgotten Beasts of Eld. A line or two here and there, maybe. If you blink, you’ll miss it.

If your story smelled of something, what would that be?

Mountain air. Ancient books. Mushroom stew.

The Forgotten Beast of Eld

Young Sybel, the heiress of powerful wizards, needs the company of no-one outside her gates. In her exquisite stone mansion, she is attended by exotic, magical beasts: Riddle-master Cyrin the boar; the treasure-starved dragon Gyld; Gules the Lyon, tawny master of the Southern Deserts; Ter, the fiercely vengeful falcon; Moriah, feline Lady of the Night. Sybel only lacks the exquisite and mysterious Liralen, which continues to elude her most powerful enchantments.

But Sybel’s solitude is to be shattered when a desperate soldier arrives bearing a mysterious child. Soon Sybel will discover that the world of men is full of love, deceit, and the temptations of vast power.

[Gail’s dishonorable mention to the following two covers: one one because of the hair (?) the other because of all the fantastic beasts in this amazing book, unicorns are NOT among them.]

{Coop de Book: Gail’s monthly read along for September is The Forgotten Beasts of Eld by Patricia McKillip.}


  • Meat Cute ~ A Parasolverse Short
    Status: Rough draft complete. Layaway.
    Possible anchor short story for Secret Project A or SS collected/omnibus in 2018 or 2019.
  • TOC ~ San Andreas Shifters #2
    Status: Writing Rough draft.
    The werewolves are back. There’s a bartender with a mysterious ability and a big scruffy man mountain with a powerful crush. The pack’s started a business called Heavy Lifting. Gail is contemplating shifter food trucks ~ Do it raw! Sometimes we wiggle, sometimes the food does.


The Sumage Solution: San Andreas Shifters #1 by G. L. Carriger, now in all editions.
Contemporary m/m paranormal romance featuring a snarky mage and a gruff werewolf. Hella raunchy. Super dirty. Very very fun. Spin off of Marine Biology.

Can a gentle werewolf heal the heart of a smart-mouthed mage?


Your Moment of Parasol . . .

1900s via steampunktendencies

Your Infusion of Cute . . .

Me at about the age I first read McKillip & now

Your Tisane of Smart . . .

Young Victorian Croquet Player

Your Writerly Tinctures . . .  

For New Indie Authors: What I Would Do if I Were Starting Today

Book News:

Traveling Through Books says of Romancing the Inventor:

Carriger strikes again; she has yet to disappoint me with one of her pieces, novel, short story, or novella. This novella is a long-awaited story featuring Genevieve Lefoux. Madame Lefoux is one of my favorite characters in The Parasol Protectorate and the Finishing School Series, so it is extra nice to get yet another glimpse of her later in life- after the Parasol Protectorate Series has ended.”

Quote of the Day:

“I saw all.
‘Jeeves,’ I said.
‘I see all. Do you see all?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Then flock round.’

~ Jeeves and the Impending Doom by P.G. Wodehouse

Questions about Gail’s Parasolverse? There’s a wiki for that!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Romancing the Inventor by Gail Carriger

Romancing the Inventor

by Gail Carriger

Giveaway ends September 24, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

[syndicated profile] queer_ya_feed
Gene Luen Yang, our National Ambassador for Young People's Literature, teamed up with the Children's Book Council, Every Child a Reader, Library of Congress, and Macmillan Children's Publishing Group to put together this program, Reading Without Walls.

Reading Without Walls "asks our young people to explore the world through books. Specifically, it challengers readers to do one of the following:

1. Read a book about a character who doesn't look like you or live like you.

2. Read a book about a topic you don't know much about.

3. Read a book in a format that you don't normally read for fun. This can be a chapter book, a graphic novel, a book in verse, or an audiobook."

As Gene says, "Let's all read without walls and see what happens. I bet it'll be something amazing!"

You can find out more here.

And while they launched back in April, it's really something for any month, any moment. Maybe especially this moment right now, whenever you're reading this. And I love the graphic – In our world with too many walls (and talk of more on the way) it's great how books are visualized as the way to not just see over the walls, but climb over the walls.

Thanks Gene.

Now let's all get reading!
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September 18th, 2017next


– Ryan

[syndicated profile] wwdn_feed

Posted by Wil

Tabletop’s Eldritch Horror Pt. 1 was released this week.

Speaking of horror, I think I mentioned that I had this idea for a 1970s-style ridiculous, bloody, Grindhouse horror film. I thought it was just a silly story exercise, but the more I thought I about it and the more I did the story work for practice, the more I wanted to do the story work to make it into a real thing. So I’ve been working on that. It isn’t on cards just yet, but it’s on the whiteboard and it has its own file of ideas and beats and characters and stuff. I don’t know if it’ll get made, but at the very least I’ll have a script to publish.

I’ve been using that idea as an excuse to watch a ton of actual 1970s ridiculous, bloody, Grindhouse horror films. I’ve thrown some classic exploitation films into the mix, and learned a lot about how those movies were made. Some of them are terribad, but most of them have a sincerity that is utterly charming and worthy of emulation in my own screenplay.

I’ve been leveling up my understanding of story and character construction with this book called The Anatomy of Story. It’s densely packed with information and examples, and it’s slow reading for me because I keep going back to review, and I’m making a ton of notes in my notebook, but I’m pulling in tons of XP with each chapter. If you’re interested in writing and want to understand how to build your story, I highly recommend it.

The Deuce is as amazing as I hoped it would be. I am hoping so hard that the series lives up to the pilot (which is a thing I never say, because pilots are generally not that great, since they have to introduce a ton of characters and information.) Franco has always turned me off (it’s not him, it’s me), but I fucking LOVE him in this show.

Blood Drive was not renewed by the network formerly known as Sci-Fi, which makes me a little sad, because Colin Cunningham and Christina Ochoa are brilliant in it (Christina should have had top billing and Colin should win awards), and I would watch them as those characters forever. But! It always felt like it should be a miniseries, and the last four episodes weren’t nearly as compelling as the first eight. I felt like they had to bail on the premise — each episode pays homage to a classic exploitation trope — to set it up for multiple seasons. There was so much great stuff in it, though, and I sincerely love that SyFy gave the project the greenlight. It was a risky project, to say the least, and it’s so cool to see a network that was profoundly risk-averse when I worked for them take the chance.

I read a bunch of short stories from Charlie Jane Anders when I was on vacation last week, and I loved them all. So I went to the bookstore yesterday to pick up All the Birds in the Sky, and while I was there, I browsed the tabletop game section. My finger is ten miles from the pulse of tabletop gaming right now, but I took pictures of some games there that looked promising to me:

Have any of you played any of them? I’m just looking for fun games to add to my collection, not necessarily games that are candidates for Tabletop, as Tabletop’s future is uncertain.

Also, not that it matters, but getting Twitter off my phone and mostly out of my life has been a really great choice. It turns out that not being kicked in the face by infuriating bullshit dozens of times a day is a pretty neat idea.

So that’s a bunch of stuff I want you to know. What do you want me to know? I’m enjoying these posts, because it reminds me of the early days of my blog, when you who read it and I who wrote it would interact more than we seem to these days.


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Posted by Gail Carriger

In this month’s Facebook Live I talk quite a bit about audio & audiobooks, Lord Akeldama in the 1920s & the REAL reason I travel.

So without further ado, Gentle Reader, here I am waxing loquacious on…


Why Gail loves audio, why she hates it, and how it affects her as an author.

Also: mustaches, much love for Murder by the Book, some hints on future stories, and confessions of a competitive typer. Professor Braithwope’s “Whot whot?” is actually a secret author trick, Gail talks about why.

Relevant Links:


Gail blogs more about audiobooks here.

Narrators, does Gail get to pick them herself and how does she choose?

Behind the Writerbeast

Book Talk!

Find Gail’s book group, Coop de Book, on Goodreads!


Next Facebook Live

Nov 13, 4pm PST | Facebook Live! Romancing the Werewolf Launch Event!

Gail will be doing a live video Q&A on her Facebook Author Page. Come say hi and ask any burning questions about Biffy & Lyall a week after the release.

{Coop de Book: Gail’s monthly read along for September is The Forgotten Beasts of Eld by Patricia McKillip.}


  • Meat Cute ~ A Parasolverse Short
    Status: Rough draft complete. Layaway.
    Possible anchor short story for Secret Project A or SS collected/omnibus in 2018 or 2019.
  • TOC ~ San Andreas Shifters #2
    Status: Writing Rough draft.
    The werewolves are back. There’s a bartender with a mysterious ability and a big scruffy man mountain with a powerful crush. The pack’s started a business called Heavy Lifting. Gail is contemplating shifter food trucks ~ Do it raw! Sometimes we wiggle, sometimes the food does.


The Sumage Solution: San Andreas Shifters #1 by G. L. Carriger, now in all editions.
Contemporary m/m paranormal romance featuring a snarky mage and a gruff werewolf. Hella raunchy. Super dirty. Very very fun. Spin off of Marine Biology.

Can a gentle werewolf heal the heart of a smart-mouthed mage?


Your Moment of Parasol . . .

Afternoon Dress 1901 The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Your Infusion of Cute . . .

Your Tisane of Smart . . .

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Money (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Your Writerly Tinctures . . .  

Terry Pratchett’s Unfinished Novels “Destroyed” by Steamroller

Book News:

Features Gail’s short story, Curious Case

Quote of the Day:

Hilarious Thai Salad

Questions about Gail’s Parasolverse? There’s a wiki for that!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Romancing the Inventor by Gail Carriger

Romancing the Inventor

by Gail Carriger

Giveaway ends September 24, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway



[syndicated profile] queer_ya_feed
It's my 10-year blogging anniversary, and kicking off the sharing of Queer as a Five-Dollar Bill is the perfect way to celebrate! To read about why I'm serializing my entire YA novel for free on this blog, click here.

Thoughts? Reactions? #QueerAsAFiveDollarBill fan art? Share them in comments!

Okay community, here we go!

Chapter One
Monday January 5

            It’s funny that they called the Civil War civil, because there’s not much polite about trying to kill the people you don’t like. Following that same logic, Wyatt figured he should call Lincolnville High School Civil High – because 9th grade was a war, too. Every day.
            But he wasn’t due back in battle for a few hours – it was still a reassuring black outside. And he told himself, for the millionth time, that he wasn’t going to give Jonathon the power to ruin stuff outside of school, when he wasn’t even around. It didn’t really work.
            A thin stream of cold coffee pooled onto his sock and Wyatt jerked the sodden paper back over the bin. He swore under his breath, working the wet sock off with one hand and tossing it to the needs-to-get-washed pile by his desk.
            He studied the dripping paper. It was ready. He grabbed the red long-reach lighter from the living room fireplace to singe an edge of this sixteenth Emancipation Proclamation. The wet paper took a few seconds to catch. Once it was on fire, he quick-snuffed it out in the coffee so it didn’t burn too far.
            Two more sides had gotten crisped when the pocket of the thrift-store, fake-shearling cowboy coat he was wearing vibrated. Wyatt fumbled for the phone. Having his new cell (even his mom’s four-year-old hand-me-down) so he could get a call without waking up the whole Bed and Breakfast rocked.
            “Hey, handsome. Good morning!” Mackenzie.
            Plugging in the headphone jack, he fit the plastic bud in his ear. “I’m so glad it’s you.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth he realized how ridiculous he sounded – they both knew no one else would be calling him. He pushed the thought away as he burned the final edge. “Can you get online? I uploaded the new video last night.”
            “Just two more emails to delete…” Mackenzie said.  “How’s it going?”
            “Sucks. I’m not even going to get my run in because of this stupid antiquing.” The last bit of flame sizzled out in the coffee and Wyatt swapped the wet sheet for the dry one in the microwave on his bedroom floor. 48 seconds. Start. The laser-printed, coffee-aged, fire-singed paper rotated on the plate inside. Predictably, the cracked-glass ceiling light dimmed as the microwave hogged the power on that circuit. It would dim in the third-floor bathroom too, but Wyatt hadn’t heard any guests up yet. Just his dad, in the attic above the part of Wyatt’s room that wasn’t the tower. He’d gotten Wyatt up at 4:30 a.m. to do this stupid antiquing job, while he headed up to re-seal the dormers for the storm on its way.
Even with the people-height windows open, the smell of burned paper and coffee surrounded Wyatt, hanging in the cold air between all the furniture that didn’t match their B&B’s 1830s-1860s thing. The good news was that Wyatt’s 2000s black wood bed, no-style pressboard wardrobe and 1940s gunmetal navy-surplus desk were such a period mash-up that his dad wouldn’t let any guests see it. So Wyatt didn’t need to keep it neat.
But even when the windows were closed, guests used to complain that sleeping in the Tower Room was like sleeping outside. New windows cost too much, so Wyatt got one of the nicest rooms in their Queen Anne Victorian. He just had to wear a lot of layers, camping-style. He liked camping.
He pulled on a dry sock, reasoning that all white sweat-socks matched – even if one was cleaner than the other – and headed over to the clunky laptop that wouldn't work unless it was plugged in. He’d already cued up the video, waiting for her call. Mackenzie was clicking at the keys of her pretty much new laptop that she took notes on in class. He pictured her sitting at the kitchen counter in her dad’s condo, Monday morning oatmeal in a bowl beside her.
            The dingy white microwave beeped but Wyatt ignored it and the lights surging back to full strength. There was plenty of time to finish them before school – Mackenzie had finally called, and he was bursting to share.
            “Okay,” Mackenzie said. “I’m there.”
            Wyatt gave her the count-down so they could watch it simultaneously, “Three, two, one… play!”
Internet Video: Crazy History, episode 3: Do Svidaniya, Lincoln!”

Wyatt has tousled hair, and wears jeans and a green waffle-knit shirt. He waves as he talks to the camera.

Hey everyone. Wyatt here at the Lincoln Slept Here B&B with another episode of Crazy History! Check out a five-dollar bill.

The face of the bill fills the screen.

See that eagle with the ribbon in its beak there? That’s the seal of The United States. The ribbon says E Pluribus Unum, which is Latin or something for One, Out Of Many. And next to that eagle is President Abraham Lincoln.

The bill moves away and Wyatt stuffs it in his pocket. He’s standing in a converted sitting room that now exhibits Civil War artifacts.

After George Washington, Abe’s like the most famous President we’ve ever had, right? So what would you say if you found out that at one point he thought about moving to Russia?

His eyes glint, all this-is-a-good-one.

Check out what he wrote in a letter five years before he became President:

Wyatt flips open a leather-bound book to a marked passage,

“As a nation, we began by declaring that all men are created equal. We now practically read it all men are created equal, except Negroes. When the Know-Nothings get control–”

He glances up to explain,

The ‘Know-Nothings’ were a political party back then – and yeah, they actually called themselves that!

With a shake of his head at how whack-a-doodle that was, he resumes reading.

“When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read, all men are created equal, except Negroes and foreigners and Catholics. When it comes to this, I shall prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretense of loving liberty – to Russia, for instance–”

Wyatt stops there, shutting the book with an amazed look.

Imagine if Abe hadn’t become President, and instead moved to Russia! Do svidaniya, Lincoln! – That’s Russian for ‘see you later.’

Wyatt grabs the tripod and keeps talking. The image is jerky as he shoots himself walking through the displays, past a Fort Sumter cannonball on a pedestal, and towards a green velvet curtain.

If Abe had gone to Russia, what would America look like today? What would Russia look like? How about the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?

He starts to blush but we cut to a photo of a bikini-clad model with huge breasts standing on a glacier with penguins behind her. She doesn’t seem cold. We hear him say,

Wyatt (voice-over)
Okay, that probably wouldn’t change.

We cut back to Wyatt – not blushing anymore – as he rounds the curtain to reveal a life-sized Abraham Lincoln wax figure complete with a seven-inch tall black stovepipe hat. Wax-Lincoln’s right hand is out as if to shake hands. Wyatt stands next to him.

Crazy to think how much this one guy did. Became President. Freed the slaves. And saved the Union. Keeping us One, Out Of Many.

Wyatt puts his hand up on wax-Lincoln’s shoulder.

Glad you stayed in the U.S.A., Abe. More cool – and crazy – history next time. On…

The words flash on the screen as Wyatt says them, his voice echoing over action-movie music.

Wyatt (voice-over)
Craaa-zy History!
“The swimsuit issue? Really?” Mackenzie sounded pissed, and the theme music hadn’t even stopped playing yet.
            Wyatt hated that she didn’t like it, and almost wished he hadn’t put that part in. But Jonathon had been giving him such a hard time all December about being a ‘history fairy,’ he had to do something. He heard himself get defensive. “You wouldn’t understand. Guys like that.”
He hoped he sounded gruff enough.
            “I understand that it’s objectifying. And insulting. And ridiculous! Don’t guys know about hypothermia?”
            Wyatt knew she was right, but he couldn’t say it. It was up for debate which were faker: the model’s breasts or the Antarctica she was supposed to be standing in. He’d just wanted Mackenzie to tell him the video was great. Of the probably only ten people who’d see it, she was the only one he wasn’t related to.
            “I’m sorry,” she said, and he figured she knew him well enough to know his silence wasn’t happy. “I just… think it would be better without the Testosterone Cave-Man moment. I’m not saying you’re not allowed to like it, but you don’t need to be that kind of guy.”
            Or maybe, Wyatt remembered with a pang, his best friend – okay, his only friend –  didn’t know him at all. He decided to cut his losses. “Let’s just go back to the list.” Closing his laptop, he returned to the makeshift assembly line laid out on the skinny wood floor planks. He grabbed the seventeenth copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and slid it into the plastic tub of yesterday’s cold coffee.
            “Fine…” At least she didn’t sound quite so annoyed with him anymore. Mackenzie had found this old slang website, and at her insistence they’d been working through it over the past few days. She was hoping to find more of her own ‘touches’ to add to Wyatt’s family’s tours of their exhibit rooms. Wyatt’s tours, if they were after school. Another one of his mom’s your-father’s-working-around-the-clock-and-I’m-killing-myself-for-the-Mayor-so-the-least-you-can-do-is-pitch-in chores.
            “See if you can guess this one.” Mackenzie giggled, like she already knew how many clowns were about to come out of the circus-car. “Queer as a three-dollar bill!”
            Wyatt’s whole face flushed hot as he lifted the paper and let the coffee pour off, back into the bin. “I don’t know!” His voice sounded all pinched, and he told himself to calm down. At school he’d have to worry about Jonathon seeing him turn bright red and shouting something like, Look! It’s the blushing bride! just to get everyone to laugh at him, but it wasn’t like Mackenzie could see him.
            And he told himself queer must have meant something else back then.
            He blew out a steadying breath, willing the color to seep back inside so he could fade from pomegranate-red back to pale-Wyatt-in-January. It was like his skin was some boy-litmus test for embarrassment, and he failed every time.
            She rolled the words on her tongue, “Queer as a three-dollar bill…” like she was seeing how it would sound in one of their tours. She’d never get him to say it. “Give up, Studly?”
            Studly? That was Mackenzie, trying to build him up. She knew how much he didn’t want to go to school today, the first day back after Winter break. They’d be getting their first semester History finals returned. For two weeks in December, Jonathon had kept threatening he’d kill him if Wyatt ruined the curve for him and the other guys on the Freshman basketball team. Half of them were on the edge of academic disqualification – though, how hard was it to know the U.S. Presidents in order when they were the street names in your town, all the way through the second Bush? And after all they’d done to make his life miserable, Wyatt was supposed to care? To spite him, Wyatt had aced it.
            What was he thinking?
            They weren’t getting their grades until third period, but Wyatt would still have to deal with Jonathon in P.E. before that. Everyone else thought P.E. was short for Physical Education, but Jonathon seemed to be working on the theory that it stood for Popular Embarrassment, as in: The more he embarrassed Wyatt, the more popular Jonathon got.
            Wyatt grimaced. He was so dead. “Okay, Trivia Goddess. What’s the… three-dollar bill thing mean?”
            Mackenzie swallowed some oatmeal. “It says, older term to describe something extremely unexpected, odd or rare.”
            Like me in Lincolnville, he thought.
            Mackenzie finished, “That’s because they never made a three-dollar bill.”
            Nope. Wyatt mused as he clicked the lighter to burn the first edge. Not even here in crazy Oregon.
            “Hmm. Can’t see where we can use that one.” Mackenzie said, like she was crossing queer as a three-dollar bill off a mental list. “Your dad wants everything to be just what you’d expect if you visited Lincoln by time machine. No surprises. Everything ‘authentic.’”
            Wyatt knew she was making air quotes, and he knew they were aimed at what he was doing. But people liked fake. They’d much rather buy a Gettysburg Address, or an Emancipation Proclamation, or even a President Abraham Lincoln Timeline that looked real and old, even if they knew it wasn’t, than a boring copy they could just print off the internet themselves.
            “Yup.” He agreed fast, to change the subject. “What’s the next one that grabs you?” Swapping the papers in the microwave, he hit start and ran downstairs to get the envelopes.
            “Oh my gosh – fart catcher!” Mackenzie laughed, and this time, Wyatt let himself laugh, too. He whipped around the second-floor landing post and remembered to be quiet on the stairs down to the entryway. His parents’ room was right off the kitchen, and he wanted this antiquing chore done before his mom got a chance to lecture him about time management skills – and how he didn’t have any.
            “Got a guess?” Mackenzie asked. He heard her rinsing her bowl and putting it in their actual dishwasher. Wyatt’s dad was all concerned with anachronisms and keeping the illusion that they were offering a real Civil-War-Era Experience. He’d drawn the modern line right after a refrigerator and Wyatt’s mom’s beloved coffee machine. But if they could do those, along with indoor plumbing and electric fake-gas lights, Wyatt didn’t see why they couldn’t have a dishwasher. But he wasn’t in charge. Clearly.
            He took a stab at ‘fart catcher’ as he headed over to reception. “What they called those old hoop skirts?”
            Mackenzie gave a fake-offended gasp before trying on an even faker Southern accent. “Dear sir, that is not the answer. I’ll have you know real ladies do not expel gas in the coarse manner you suggest.”
            Wyatt laid on the accent himself, feeling his face finally cooling down. “I’m sure they don’t, Ma’am… But how would anyone know when you’re wearing all them skirts?”
            They both snorted a laugh as Wyatt pulled out the clear plastic bin of office supplies, searching for the pale green envelopes.
            Fart catcher:” Mackenzie read, “A valet or footman, from walking so close behind their mistress or master.”
            “That’s ridiculous,” Wyatt said. “And funny.”
            “I wonder where we can use it in the tour?”
            “Not sure,” Wyatt mumbled, rifling through the box. Mackenzie would re-write the whole tour if he let her. She’d probably grow up to tell the President what to say – be the Presidential speech-writer. Forget that – she’d probably be President herself.
            Not Wyatt. Maybe he’d be a park ranger, or a wildlife photographer, and finally get to spend every day outside. Trees, animals, birds. Rivers like Jenson’s Stream. He could do all these videos of wildlife, and maybe add in some cool or crazy history angle… Who was he kidding? He knew he’d have to end up in some big city, somewhere far away from all that. But anywhere sounded better than the shark-infested waters of Civil High.
            Outside the night was softening to a Union blue. Too soon! Wyatt forced himself to focus: envelopes.
            “I’d love to, but I don’t see how we can use fart-catcher,” Mackenzie said. “Let’s move on.”
            There they were. Wyatt counted out twenty ‘Genuine Reproduction Antiqued Emancipation Proclamation!’ envelopes and shoved the box back in its spot under the sideboard.
            Mackenzie’s voice was light, “Okay, I’m covering the definition column and I’m going to try and guess this one, too: Can’t see a hole in a ladder…”
            She started tossing out possibilities. Wyatt stood to head back upstairs when he saw his soldier – smiling out at him from this giant poster-sized Civil War photo, behind their collection of Confederate and Union firearms in the six-foot glass display case.
            Wyatt stopped.
            His soldier was standing in a group of eleven Civil War soldiers. Everyone else was holding a rifle, bayonet or sword, but his hands were empty. Some of the guys seemed proud, others excited, a few were grim. But his soldier just looked sweet. Like he wanted to say, Hey Wyatt. Good to see you. Always good to see you.
            What if his soldier came to life, and was right here? Standing in front of him? He couldn’t just lock eyes with the guy forever… What could he say back? What would he say?
            Hey… I’ve been wondering. Wyatt could feel his cheeks heat up again. What’s your name?
            “Wyatt!” Mackenzie’s raised voice through the earbud slapped him back to reality. She’d been talking, but he hadn’t heard any of it. “Can’t see a hole in a ladder?”
            What was he doing? He needed to focus. He couldn’t slip up and maybe say something that would blow up his whole life! Not with Mackenzie. Not here. Not anywhere in Lincolnville, Oregon. Population: 5,817 closed minds. Plus one Wyatt Yarrow.
            “Sorry, no idea. What’s it mean?” He jogged back up the stairs as Mackenzie read them that Can’t see a hole in a ladder is what they used to call drunk people. There was an awkward silence, which Wyatt figured was because of that whole thing with Mackenzie’s dad three years ago. But her dad didn’t drink anymore, something he told them three times a week when he dropped Mackenzie off for Tuesday and Thursday dinners and Sunday afternoon ‘homework club’ as Wyatt’s mom put it, while he drove the forty-five minutes into Corvallis for his AA meetings.
            Wyatt wasn’t sure what to say, so he stayed quiet. He passed their Lincoln Room and was halfway to the third floor when Mackenzie asked, “Don’t we need to get going?”
            He pulled the phone out of his coat pocket to check the time. 6:52? Homeroom started in eighteen minutes, and P.E. was right after that! He still had to make his own lunch…
            “I gotta run,” Wyatt told her as he hustled into his room.
            “You nervous?” She asked.
            Her question slowed him down like he was suddenly under water. Was it that obvious?
            I know how great you are,” Mackenzie said. “Just be yourself, and other people will start to see it, too.”
            Sure… except, being yourself only worked if you were like everyone else to start with. Wyatt fought his way back to the surface, and started folding finished Emancipation Proclamations in thirds, stuffing envelopes fast. They looked perfect. After four years of doing them, he’d finally gotten the recipe down. But seventeen would have to be enough.
            Mackenzie said, “I should go. My dad wants to drive me, to remind all those hormonal teenage boys – his words, not mine – that he’s with the police force.” Wyatt could almost hear her eye-roll. Her dad was their town’s parking enforcement officer. “Can you believe that?”
            Wyatt wasn’t sure what he wasn’t supposed to believe. There were worse things than not having any chores and getting driven to school.
            The sky was lighter now, nearly a Confederate gray – he was racing daybreak and the first bell. Move, he told himself as he kept folding and stuffing. A gust of air brought the smell of outdoors. Fresh, green. He’d be out in it soon.
            After a moment Mackenzie said, “I’ll see you in History. Good luck with P.E.”
            “See you. And… thanks.” Wyatt hung up. He needed the luck. Because his life was so queer as a three-dollar bill.

* *

Lincolnville, Oregon Streetlamp Banner:

Celebrate Feb 14!
Abe and Mary: A Great Love
Parade 9 a.m. Union Square

Chapter 2
Monday January 5

            Exactly four minutes after everyone should have already been out in the gym, Wyatt raced into the locker room. He stopped in his tracks. The Freshman basketball team guys were still there, gathered around Jonathon, who stood next to a stack of twelve shoeboxes. They were all already in their ‘Fighting Soldiers’ P.E. uniform T-shirts and black shorts. And anyone else who might have been a buffer between him and these guys was already in the gym, playing badminton.
His stalling had backfired. Big time.
Wyatt stood there, trying to figure out how to not be seen. He’d have to go through them to change… Maybe he could just go back to the gym and say he forgot his P.E. uniform at home and take the two-point grade hit? Except… he was holding the drawstring bag with his change of clothes. That wouldn’t work.
            “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
            “These suck.”
            “I’m not wearing them.”
Hold on. Wyatt realized what he was hearing – Jonathon was being attacked by his own pack of sharks! This was maybe too good to miss.
            “Pink?” Charlie razzed Jonathon.
            “Will you all just shut up?”
Wyatt could have sworn there was a hint of panic in Jonathon’s voice.
What was going on?
Jonathon was holding one of the shoes – purple, gold and white. And then Wyatt saw it: the entire sole of the sneaker was neon pink. “It… just means we’ll be crushing the sissies with every step!”
            Jonathon looked over and saw Wyatt. He kind of smiled, and Wyatt wasn’t sure what that was about. Was Jonathon maybe getting how sucky it was to be on the receiving end of all that crap? Should he smile back?
            Suddenly, Jonathon lunged over the bench. He knocked Wyatt’s feet out from under him and pinned him flat-out on his back. Pain shot Wyatt’s butt, shoulder, and the back of his head when he smacked the floor, lightning smashing together inside him, every nerve overloading and the whole system threatening blackout. He was staring at the fluorescent tube lights, and like a fish on land, couldn’t seem to get his lungs to work. His eyes prickled with tears but he wouldn’t allow the rain. He couldn’t. No, dammit. Hail, maybe. But no rain. Not in front of them.
            Shoe in his hand, Jonathon squished the pink rubber into Wyatt’s cheek, forcing his face down into the floor. “Like I’m crushing Little Miss Yarrow here!”
            They laughed. Every one of them. And Wyatt saw something else. From Miguel Abelardo – who they called ‘Lardo,’ even though he was skinnier than Wyatt – to Jonathan’s right-hand shark Charlie, they were all really glad they weren’t him.
            He wished he wasn’t himself, too.
            Under the grit and dirt his nose was shoved into, Wyatt figured whatever they cleaned the floor with must be pretty toxic because his eyes started to fog up.
            “Come on, Ladies… Let’s go!” Coach Rails wandered into the locker room at just that moment. He gaped at them.
            Wyatt managed to swallow the storm cloud in his throat. It was over, at least.
Jonathon quickly got up off Wyatt, saying, “No homo, man.” so his dad wouldn’t dare think he was on top of Wyatt because he liked him.
Wyatt sat up, his ears so hot he guessed they were the color of the sneaker soles. Staring at the small rip in his own sneaker, he waited in the silence for Coach Rails to say something. But no one said anything.
Finally, Jonathon shouted to the other guys, “All right, bitches. Team Spirit! Everyone wears them!” and started tossing out sneaker boxes.
“What are you waiting for, you bunch of fags?” Coach Rails barked. “Get your shoes on and get out there! I want five laps around the track. All of you. For being late.”
“You want me to make it ten?” Coach Rails threatened.
That quieted them down.
Wyatt almost smiled. At least Jonathon was getting punished, even if it was hidden inside the whole team getting penalized. And if he kept still, maybe no one would notice him there on the floor. He’d wait for them to clear out and then change in peace.
“That means you, too, Yarrow!” Coach Rails snapped at him.
What? Wyatt looked at him in disbelief. Coach Rails scratched at the beard he was growing out to be Lincoln in their town’s Lincoln’s Birthday/Valentine’s Day parade in just over a month. Like last year, he’d be a too short country-western-singing Abe, next to his wife the Mayor’s too thin and tall real-estate-selling Mary – but it was like no one in their town cared about the terrible casting. As Wyatt’s mom kept saying, it was the Mayor’s parade, and everyone else was just invited to it.
“Get changed. Get out there. And give me five laps.” Coach Rails lowered his eyebrows at him. “No one with four healthy limbs gets a pass in life – or my P.E. class.”

Freshmen History First Term Final – Selected Grades

Miguel Abelardo    C
Charlie Anderson    D
Mackenzie Miller    A+
Jonathon Rails    D
Jennie Woo    B
Wyatt Yarrow    A

            Sharks ahead. By the lockers.
            Wyatt stopped walking, pretending he just got a text. His arms felt raw from his first-ever lunchtime workout that he’d snuck in instead of eating, but he was so over being Jonathon-meat that he was going to deal with it. And he’d needed some plan, because from the moment that substitute read their History final grades out loud, Jonathon and his sharks had been out for blood.
At least they hadn’t seen him yet.
            Sneakers and macho body sprays blurred by the chipped phone casing as he strategized for the second time that day how to get past them. He’d escaped after History – one advantage of going to the weight room off the gym was that it had been the last place Jonathon would have expected him to go – but now Wyatt only had three minutes to the bell. There was no time to go around the whole building before Algebra. And there was a sandwich waiting for him twenty feet down that hall to the corner and eight feet to the right.
            Jonathon tossed a textbook to the floor of his locker. BAM! “You’re such a girl, Anderson.”
            Charlie was right behind Jonathon and made a sarcastic kissy sound back.
            Fart-catcher! Charlie was Jonathon’s fart-catcher! Wyatt couldn’t wait to tell Mackenzie he’d found a place to use it. That was, if he survived the next three minutes.
            He placed each foot carefully forward to move with the crowd. To seem busy and blend in even more, he was tapping out the longest fake text message ever. If Mackenzie’s dad let her have her phone on at school, Wyatt would be texting:
                        GET ME OUT OF HERE!
and he’d fill the screen with a million exclamation points. As it was, his thumbs were flying at random.
            “You’re so gay.” Jonathon hurled the words at Charlie.
            “Takes one to know one!” Charlie shoved Tai to agree, “Right?”
            Tai’s laugh died like a hiccup when he saw Jonathon’s watch-who-you’re-making-fun-of glare.
            He was almost past them…
            “Yo! Fruitcake!” Jonathon shouted at him.
            Wyatt didn’t stop.
            “Don’t walk away from me, I’m talking to you!”
            The entire hallway stared.
            Every capillary on Wyatt’s face and ears popped red heat, betraying him.
            He pocketed the phone before anyone could notice he wasn’t actually texting anybody and make fun of him for that, too. He tried to push through the get-to-your-locker-before-fifth-period surge, but it was like every kid in their whole town was in that hallway and Wyatt was the only one going upstream.
            All of a sudden, Jonathon was blocking his path. “How dumb are you?”
Wyatt considered explaining that including David Rice Atchison as President number 11.5 (in between James Polk and Zachary Taylor) wasn’t really a mistake, and that he’d wanted to talk to Mrs. Elliot about the ‘President for a Day’ article he’d read – since she’d marked it wrong – but then she was gone on maternity leave and he wasn’t sure about that substitute, Mr. Guzman… But then he noticed that Jonathon’s biceps were bigger than his own calves and kept his mouth shut.
            Jonathon’s Abercrombie & Fitch-model face got all snarly. “We talked about this. What were you thinking, pulling a ninety-eight percent?”    
            Wyatt jerked back as spittle landed on his dark blue T-shirt. He imagined it burning through like acid, and wished he was one of those superheroes with armor.
Jonathon was up in Wyatt’s face. “You killed the curve. So now,” Wyatt didn’t want to flinch, but he also didn’t want to get punched by that fist. “I’m either going to have to kick your a–”
There you are!” With a flash of a Harvard sweatshirt, Mackenzie grabbed Wyatt like a lifeguard saving a drowner. Before he could say anything, she’d squished her lips into his.
Wyatt clamped his mouth shut and fell back, pinned between his best friend’s lips and the cold wall of lockers. Through his green canvas bag, books cut into his stomach and the scent of fake strawberries overpowered his nose.
It was genius. Jonathon stood there like a squirrel in the road, not sure what to do.
Wyatt didn’t want to get caught looking at Jonathon, so he shifted his eyes to Mackenzie. Up close, he noticed her eyebrows were brown and didn’t really match her waist-long copper-red hair. Huh.
Kids hooted at them. Wyatt hadn’t even made it through the first day of the Spring semester, but between Jonathon’s second shark attack and Mackenzie’s lip lock, he was the big show at Civil High.
“Check out the lovebirds!” someone yelled.
“Big deal.” Another girl sounded bored and slammed her locker shut.
One-one thousand. Two one-thousand. How long was Mackenzie going to make this last? The sharks were whispering to each other.
Someone else said, real loud, “Is he keeping his eyes open? Freak.”
Wyatt shut them.
But then all he could feel was Mackenzie’s lip gloss sticking to his lips like half-dry, half-wet Elmer’s glue. His first kiss…
It doesn’t count.
It doesn’t.
This is what it must be like to kiss your sister.
            Mackenzie let out a sigh, little notes falling. Like she was part of some big finale, with birds and chipmunks and little people… Wyatt tried to not snort in her face, but she was going for the Oscar.
            He kicked himself mentally – if the sharks were watching, he needed to play along! He’d been standing stock-still, like wax-Lincoln downstairs in the B&B. He lifted his free hand to Mackenzie’s shoulder. Ow. The back of his arm burned. Muscle Targeted: Triceps.
            What next? Should he move his hand to her back? Touch her braid? He wasn’t sure, but he had to do something. Cautiously, he cupped his hand around her neck. It was warm.
            Mackenzie noticed. She leaned into him a little, and then after another moment, broke away. Wyatt took a breath.
            She whispered down to him. “They still watching?”
            Wyatt checked. The pink-soled sharks had moved ten feet along the hallway and only one of them was still staring: Jonathon. His eyes were narrowed slits, but his mouth was… closed. Without thinking, Wyatt had the back of his hand up to wipe the kiss off his lips – but he caught himself and scratched his jaw instead. Wondering if he had just climbed up the food chain a bit, he gave Mackenzie a tiny dip of his head.
            Mackenzie said, loud enough for their audience to hear, “Come on, boyfriend!” She squeezed Wyatt’s arm and he winced, but fast-turned it into a toothy smile. Holding hands, they headed up the hallway and turned the corner.
            All clear.
            They pressed flat against the wall, side-by-side. Mouth open wide, Wyatt laughed silently.
            “You were amazing!” He whispered to her.
            “I was, wasn’t I?” Mackenzie’s eyes sparkled.
            Wyatt nodded. “Like Mother Teresa, saving the day with Plan B!”
“If Plan A was getting punched, that’s not much of a plan.”
Wyatt counted down five lockers and dropped the dead weight of his backpack. He rubbed at the ache in his shoulder. “My Plan A sucked. But Plan B rocked. Did you see his face?”
Mackenzie stayed close as Wyatt spun his combination lock. He was so excited, he was babbling. “It’s like we have E.S.P. or something. I mean, I was fake-texting you and then… pow! There you were!” He got it open. The swimsuit model floating on the inside of his locker door hovered in the specially modified Air Force plane. Wyatt reminded himself to not laugh at how ridiculous she looked in the photo, bikini top not up to the zero-gravity challenge of her breasts. He starting dumping stuff out of his backpack. They needed to design a zero-gravity backpack.
“I knew something was wrong when you were missing at lunch.” Mackenzie blushed, Wyatt thought with a flash of jealousy, like a regular person: the slightest pink behind her sprinkle of freckles. “You were awesome, too.”
            Wyatt shrugged. It was really all her.
            “Wyatt… You know, Plan B has sort of been on my mind for a long time. And, how to make it our Plan A....” She leaned in as Wyatt grabbed his turkey sandwich out of its bag. He was starving.
            “Huh?” He turned and her lips were on his again. Mackenzie’s face pressed in. This kiss was different. Softer. Not for anyone else to see.
            Wyatt froze.
            The pretend one didn’t count, but he didn’t want this to be his first kiss, either.
            Not a girl. And not Mackenzie!
            One one-thousand. Two–
             She pulled back, her face all dreamy satisfaction. “I guess we’ll just have to thank Jonathon for the push.”
            Thank Jonathon?
            She saw his confused look. “I wasn’t sure how to change tracks from friends to… more. But I knew we’d be great together.”
Mackenzie put her hand on Wyatt’s chest. His heart was pounding.
“It’s nice, kissing you. Don’t you think?”
            “Uh…” He glanced around. Nearly everyone was already in class. The bell was going to ring any second – he hoped. The swimsuit model hovered next to him, all flirty, with nail-polished fingers by her lipstick-shellacked mouth. You’re what got me into this mess, he thought at her.
            Mackenzie’s eyes followed Wyatt’s to the floating swimsuit model, then flicked down to her own oversized Harvard sweatshirt and four-leaf clover leggings. She pulled her braid around to the front and smoothed it. She nodded like he’d made a great point. “It’ll probably be better without an audience.”
            “Yeah!” Wyatt heard himself say, juggling his Algebra book and sandwich. “That’ll… definitely help.” What was he saying? He stuffed a bite of sandwich in his mouth to shut himself up.
            “Three is supposed to be a magic number...” Mackenzie looked at him, all smiles. “We’ll save our third kiss for when it’s just you and me. Sound like a plan?”
            He forced the dry bread and meat down his throat so he could talk. “It’s… a plan.” He managed, and palmed his locker shut.
            He hadn’t meant to agree to it, but the echo of his words sure sounded like he had. What he’d meant was that it was a plan, but not his plan.
            Oh my gosh. It’s her plan.
            “See you, boyfriend.” With a wink, Mackenzie two-stepped away, like the hall speakers were playing dance music only she could hear.
            The start-of-class bell rang.
            Wyatt bonked his forehead against his locker. Resting there, he told himself, Mental note: Never be alone with Mackenzie, ever again.
* *

* *

Chapter One Endnotes

The Lincoln quote Wyatt uses in his video is from a letter Abe wrote Joshua Fry Speed on August 24, 1855. That’s more than thirteen years after their flurry of correspondence surrounding Joshua’s marriage to Fanny in February 1842. You can find the letter on pages 64-67 of Joshua Fry Speed: Lincoln’s Most Intimate Friend by Robert L. Kincaid, Department of Lincolniana, Lincoln Memorial University, Harrogate, Tennessee 1943. (Yes, that’s the book Wyatt gets for his book report later… Hey, I’m an author and I liked how it foreshadowed Wyatt’s discovery to come!) The full quote is:
            I am not a Know-Nothing. That is certain. How could I be? How can any one who abhors the oppression of negroes, be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation, we began by declaring that “all men are created equal.” We now practically read it “all men are created equal, except negroes.” When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read “all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and Catholics.” When it comes to this I shall prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty – to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy.

That same letter is also online at and on page 323 of Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, Volume 2, Abraham Lincoln Association, Springfield, Illinois, 1953, which is where I imagine Wyatt found it.

Lincoln’s most famous statement about “all men are created equal” may be from his 1863 “Gettysburg Address,” which opens with these famous words: “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that ‘all men are created equal.’” You can see the actual handwritten speech at the National Archives website, here:

In that Gettysburg Address, Lincoln quotes “All men are created equal” from the founding document of the United States of America, our Declaration of Independence. The second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence begins, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…” You can read a transcript of the Declaration of Independence online here:

* *
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September 15th, 2017next

September 15th, 2017: Thanks to everyone you came out to Carleton Wednesday night! I had a great time and I was COMPLETELY SURPRISED by the cookies they had for all of us. Here's hoping that all future events have free cookies with my characters on them forever. Yes please!

– Ryan

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Posted by Gail Carriger

Supper for Today, 1876, in a London Townhouse

  • Roast Boned Leg of Mutton – bone hole filled with minced veal and brown gravy
  • Partridges – with gravy
  • Vegetables – turnips cut into fanciful shapes, boiled in a weak broth, served with a white sauce and toast sippets
  • Custard Pudding – made with cream , nutmeg, and lemon peel


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